side note

Cheers to that drunk girl at the bar tonight who thought who thought I was her boyfriend for a second, then realized her mistake and promptly informed me that I had better hair than her actual boyfriend.

I could've sworn I needed a haircut. :)

"Kill me again with love, It's gonna be a glorious day."

Yesterday morning I came really close to walking out of the house completely naked. I had a serious compulsion to go out for a stroll naked as a jay bird. Not an exhibitionism thing, I just thought it would be so natural to go for a brief constitutional in the warm morning air without the hindrance of clothing.
I guess I'm trading Buddhism for nudism.

So follow up to the previous post: the answer is so much simpler than I was making it out to be. Vanilla Sky says the answer to 9 out of 10 questions is "money" (and in my opinion the answer to the 10th question was "sex")... but my spin on this idea is that the answer to 9 out of 10 questions about life is "moderation."

Moderation. That little word that keeps popping up in my mind; it was Ben Franklin's favorite concept for a damn good reason. In reference to my previous entry, of course I should help others. I wouldn't be me if I didn't practice compassion and empathy, they're two traits i see in myself that I'm most proud of. But if I'm not moderate in putting others before myself, I will never get around to taking care of myself at all.

Life is a balancing act. As you progress you have to lean from side to side and back again to maintain a steady balance. If you lean to heavily in any one direction you're just going to come tumbling down. Sometimes you may have to lean in one direction as a necessity to maintain balance. I made reference to a Shantideva quote two entries ago "All happiness comes from the desire for others to be happy. All misery comes from the desire for oneself to be happy." Was Shantideva wrong? Should Shantideva have been practicing moderation?

Well, not exactly. Now that I'm looking at that quote again, he's only talking about desire here. Perhaps some discrepancy in practice from desire is a good thing. Desire happiness for others but practice compassion for myself. I guess that Shantideva really knew what he was talking about, maybe I should pick up his Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way Of Life again.

I'm trying here. How does the old axiom go? Some people are born great, some people have greatness thrust upon them. If I could figure out half of the shit floating through my brain I would be truly great, but only out of necessity.
I didn't ask these questions... they were asked of me. I'm just trying to find the answers

Tired of This Dance

You do a consistently good job for as long as you can remember, and all that happens is once you let up for a moment everyone asks you, “Jeez, what happened? What’s up with you?”

If I was doing such a good job before now, why didn’t you take a minute to let me know? Positive reinforcement is much more powerful than negative reinforcement.

Tuesday was my 21st birthday and I had a great time out at the bars. Everyone was buying me drinks; even a few attractive young ladies that I had never met bought me drinks. It was a fantastic time (thank you all for coming out—every last one of you, I appreciated it so much).

But I’m an introvert. I need to follow up a night of intense socialization with a day of quiet and solitude. How come whenever I want peace and quiet someone comes knocking on my door and when I want a friend to talk to everyone’s mysteriously absent?

Bad timing on my part. I ought to work on that.

The only person you can ever truly please is yourself. I used to think that if everyone just helped his or her neighbor out, everyone would be happy… but maybe it’s that if we all look out for ourselves we’ll truly be happy. Only when you’re stupid enough to go around looking for fulfillment should you help your neighbor.

And the Buddha? What would he say? He’d tell me I’m wrong. What he doesn’t know is if I kill myself over trying to make other people happy, I won’t be around anymore to attain enlightenment. You just can’t teach a Buddha anything.

I can’t tell if this is a forever chance in my attitude or just one of those short-term things. Whichever it is, it’s leaving my brow furrowed in the mean time. I’m just tired of learning the answers to questions I never asked.
I don’t actually want anybody to think I’m Superman or anything. I just want other people to see me with the same respect I have for myself. I’m pretty damn great… but maybe I don’t let anybody close enough to figure that out.

I'm going to regret posting this in an hour or so when I remember exactly how painfully beautiful, perfectly pulchritudinous this world really is.

"Did I make me up? Or make the face 'till it stuck? I do the best immitation of myself."

Take a vacation from myself? That's ridiculous! Nigh impossible! ...just crazy enough to work!

Bob McClane: What is it that is exactly the same about every single vacation you have ever taken?
Douglas Quaid: I give up.
Bob McClane: You! You're the same. No matter where you go, there you are. It's always the same old you. Let me suggest that you take a vacation from yourself. I-I know it sounds wild.

I'm heading out for the 10,000 Lakes Music and Camping Festival this week (at the Detroit Lakes in Minnesota to see Bob Weir and Ratdog, Zappa Plays Zappa, Unphrey's McGee, String Cheese Incident, moe., Galactic, and many others including perhaps most the important for me: the beautiful talented Kaki King.

But this trip will be as much about the music and camping (at beautiful Lake Sallie) as it will be decompression time for me. No, it has not been an arduous summer-- hard maybe, but not arduous. But I need some time to think about everything: that's what the first half of the week is for. Then the second half of the week, I will forget about everything and just have fun. I've always taken serious consideration into a Shantideva quote I once read, "All happiness comes from the desire for others to be happy. All misery comes from the desire for oneself to be happy." Well if that's true then maybe this week I could use a little misery. A little vacation from my usual standards of making other people happy.

Atisha said, "The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go." This week my mind will let go, and camping out in nature, hopefully I will bring out my inner Buddha-nature. I want to meditate on the cliffs above Lake Sallie, I want to become one with the trees around our camp ground, I want to let my mind off of it's leash and see where it goes when it's completely free.

I want to renew a love affair with an old friend. My life.

BAARRFF!

I quit. :)

"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow, let it be."

Nothing like an impromptu barefoot bike ride at 11pm to really clear your head. I just want to say, I might be wrong about a lot of stuff-- I know I'm wrong about a lot of stuff, but I just can't see how that could matter.

I'm nowhere near as great as I want people to think I am... but I'm still pretty fucking awesome.

The Buddha once said:

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful."

I'm thankful.
_____For everything.
__________Even the shit that hurts.
_______________Especially the shit that hurts.

I am alive, and I have a greater capacity for love than anyone else I know.

We humans have an incredible knack for trapping ourselves in little mazes without even realizing it. We curse the person who created these traps for us, but lack the foresight to realize we've put ourselves in them.

Whenever I start questioning myself I just think of something the Dalai Lama said,
"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive."
I'm just trying to do my part.


I dance with the star shine. Do you know anyone else who dances with the star shine?
.I miss you.