What did we know about ourselves before we had the internet to tell us...?

"Though your motives arise from genuine compassion, some people might think of you as "a little too good to be true." They could suspect that your kindness is something you use to ingratiate yourself with others or to get them to like you. Others may suspect that your altruism is a mask for your own problems; you take care of others but never let others get to know you well enough to offer you their care. Some of this suspicion may be genuine; they just can't believe you're this kind. But it may also be triggered by envy; people see in you a tenderheartedness they don't find in themselves, and it makes them uncomfortable so they take it out on you with their suspicions.

Another critical response others may have may be something you want to take a serious look at. If you spend your time taking care of others, you may not have enough left to take very good care of yourself. If you're always asking, "What can I do for you?", you may not focus enough on your own needs. You're so busy taking care of others that you neglect yourself and empty your reserves of energy and good health. Like we said, give it consideration and if it doesn't fit move on."

"People... People who need people..."

Listen to me while you listen :)

Whenever it all seems insane, I turn back to Thich Nhat Hanh.

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong.
Why not try and see positive things,
to just touch those things and make them bloom?

Buddhism for me is all about realization. I tend to agree with the Zen Buddhists who say that enlightenment comes in a sudden flash when you're not even concentrating on it. You'll be sweeping the leaves on the front walk and all of a sudden it all makes sense.
The trick isn't achieving enlightenment, the trick is surviving until you can have that sudden realization... and not getting too wrapped up in your own bullshit in the meantime.

We humans are funny little creatures. Everyone in the world needs someone (especially the people who act like they don't need anyone), but the real challenge is finding an equilibrium with someone you need who also needs you-- you have a perfect balance of give and take, or at least you can eventually keep that balance before one of you falls off of the relationship.

Please keep Crystal in your thoughts. It's never easy to lose a loved one, especially so suddenly.

I miss Carl Sagan.

Also, check it out: Lindsey and I play Beatles music (again).

"Say the word and you'll be free, Say the word and be like me."

I love my job. For those of you who don't know it, I work for KU Media Productions-- a little production company based in the Union that does commercials for the University as well as free lance video production for any paying customers. Basically that means on any given day I could be shooting/editing/etc. literally anything you could think of.

So today I went back into work for the first time in a few days. I was kinda scared my boss Mark would be mad that I hadn't been free to work for a while, but he was just genuinely happy to see me again and chatted me up about my first week of school and his new house his family just moved into. Mark is just a great boss (and a good friend).

But the interview was the real reason for this entry: we spoke to Professor Mohammad El-Hodiri, economist, mathematician, and poet extraordinaire. He was born and educated in Cairo, studied for several years in Russia, and has generally been a globetrotter most of his life. He now resides in Lawrence and teaches with such enthusiasm for academia at KU (enough so to be recognized enough that we were asked to film this piece on him ;) ). He really expanded my mind when he spoke. I love fascinating people.

In the meantime, it was actually a very long and hard day for me, so I really just want to coast through the rest of this week, listen to some great music (I've been super hooked on Rubber Soul lately), and really hit the semester hard starting next week. So I suckle the last sweet drops from freedom's teet before putting in an effort I can be proud of my senior year.

"You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind"

Listen to me while you read :)

I guess you could say I had a bit of an accident. I was in the back of a pile up on 19th street. Could have happened to anybody. I suppose I wanted to start off the semester with a bang...

So I think back to my Buddhism.

Why do I feel the way I do right now?
--Because I probably need a new car.
Oh, so you lost your car? Why were you clinging to an inanimate object anyway?
--Yeah, it's just a thing, but it certainly made getting around easier.
Didn't you just get that cool new bike? It's not like Lawrence is that big.
--That's true, I just get tired of showing up places all sweaty.
Sounds to me like you're still clinging. You and I both know that's source of duhka.
--Wanting things to go the way I want them to is clinging?
Absolutely! Clinging to the way you think things should be? Why do you think you know how the universe should conduct it's business?
--I don't claim to know, I just want a break, that's all.
So give yourself a break. Use meditation, stop ruminating, be mindful of every beautiful moment. Only you can bring yourself joy, nobody's going to come and offer you your happiness for free.
--Sometimes I wish they would.
I know man, me too. What music are you listening to right now?
--A song called "Drive" by Blind Melon.
"Drive?" Are you kidding me? Cut it out, I'm serious. What would make you happy right now?
--[whisper whisper whisper]
...You need to get yourself a puppy or something. What else can you think of?
--...Let's see. I love doing things for other people. Does that count?
Hmm, I'm a little skeptical. Will it really make you happy to bring someone else joy, or are you trying to sound more noble than you actually are?
--I really want to do this. It will bring a smile to my face.
Well then go in peace. And one more thing...
--Yeah?
Just chill out man. I'm serious.
--....thanks.


Well, that was an interesting stream of consciousness experiment.

PS I had a dream last night where I told someone I was a Buddhist Catholic Nihilist. I'm starting to wish any one of those was actually true.

"And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking."

Listen to me while you read.

In thoughtful attempts to help me keep my sanity lately, everyone has been telling me not to worry about the questions I have been asking (the standard "big questions" about why we're here and the nature of our existence)... but complacency has been on my mind a lot lately since meditating at the Zen Center recently. Then two days ago Lindsey told me to check out a post on the Buddha Diaries about taking action and why the kids these days just aren't getting out there and showing how disgusted we are with the current administration and it's endless war.

Well, I'm a veteran of 4 or 5 war protests, I've been out at the peace demonstrations in downtown Kansas City, I'm not complacent am I?...am I? The answer is a very resounding "maybe." Yeah I've done enough, I've questioned enough, but I can do more. I shouldn't let my friends talk me into ignoring the problems that have plagued humanity since the dawn of time just because they don't think I'll come up with an answer... because at least I will have tried.

When the hell else can I simultaneously reject permanence and impermanence, muse about going off to Tibet to "find myself," or even accuse the very universe of not existing? My questions may be stupid, but at least they're universal, and by virtue of that I have every right to ask them-- even if it brings me distress. If Jesus, Allah, or Buddha is up there watching me I don't think they'll care that much if I put myself headlong into something that isn't technically "correct." I'd rather be foolhardy than complacent.

This is my senior year of college. I've got two relatively light semesters ahead of me, so I think I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't get out there and support the causes I agree with, question the consumerist principals this country was founded on, and make a life for myself. I can see one of two outcomes from this decision: a) I could make some hilarious stories about my misguided adventures to tell 10 or 15 years down the line, or 2) I could really succeed and touch some people's lives or find some answers to the questions I've been asking.

My advice to the world is step 1: turn off the television, it's the only way to keep yourself out from under the spell of cathode ray mind control. :) There's really nothing good on anyway... unless you're tired from being active all day and you need some time to turn your brain off, I do that too.

Anyway, I thought the light at the end of my tunnel was acceptance, but for the time being I can't accept acceptance as the answer for anything. I'll have time for acceptance when I'm in the rest home (...at the age of 45 apparently...).

Ah, the balance of life. I don't know if some omnipotent being is keeping it in check or not, but life certainly has a way of keeping itself in balance.

Restitution

This is an open apology to the student of the University of Kansas for calling you all "mouth breathers" today in the union. I was feeling a little enochlophobic amid the lines for the bookstore and I let that get the better of me.
I aknowledge the buddha-nature/christ-nature/allah-nature/whatever-nature you all have within you and that's a beautiful thing. So, sorry for calling you mouth breathers. :)

"Life ain't so shitty"

Be sure to watch the whole thing, it gets pretty far out by the end.
I'm pretty sure I'm in love with this girl.

"And tell me no lies, make me a happy man"

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
--The Buddha

This weekend my cousin came back from his year of teaching English in Japan. It was a blast getting to catch up with him. I had a weekend of family, friends, and lots of fun.






Then why am I so lost?

"Come on along, or go alone, he's here to take his children home."

I've gotta learn to respect my perception. I've always grappled with the idea that something holds more weight if you can share it with someone else or make someone else see what you're seeing-- but to think that something I perceive is any less beautiful just because no one else saw it is simply ridiculous. Perhaps in some cases that makes it even more beautiful. This is a very important concept for me right now.

To that girl that kissed me on the cheek at tonight at the Jazz House: that may not have meant much to you, but it was quite lovely from my point of view... and that's perfectly okay. My perception is just as important as anyone else's.

---

Henry David Thoreau said, "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." My eyes are opening wider every day. But then again, Thoreau's counterpart in transcendentalism Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "People only see what they are prepared to see." Maybe I'm just now becoming ready to see everything that I am. My only fear is that the world is far too beautiful for me to take.