"For a minute there, I lost myself"

At the Union we have a hand-punch system to clock in and out of work for the day, so when you place your hand on the scanner it verifies that it is indeed you clocking in. When you do this, it gives you a "score" which gauges the margin of error that it's actually you placing your hand on the machine-- anything lower than 50% and they trust that it's really you.

Last Friday I clocked in for the day to get some work on a few DVD menus Mark asked me to design, and when I placed my palm on the hand-punch machine I got the highest margin of error I've ever seen on there; it was 49% likely that I was actually myself on Friday.

Stupid machines. What do they know anyway?

"spitting feathers, splitting hairs"

I sat in meditation for about an hour this evening. Lately I've been really into meditating, doing all the little techniques I've learned over the past years, doing it the way I'm "supposed to," ambulation, transfer of merits, etc... but tonight I didn't light any incense, I didn't listen to Ravi Shankar, I just sat down and started erasing all the extraneous bullshit from my brain.

It was fantastic.
To let go.
"To let that which does not matter truly slide."

Leave it to me to start trying too hard at meditation of all things. But hey, the important thing is that I noticed it, and gently reminded myself that nobody knows my mind better than myself. I am the master of my own destiny-- it's time to start acting like it again.

Though it's great to take advice along the way, for instance Hakuin Ekaku said,

"What is this true meditation? It is to make everything: coughing, swallowing, waving the arms, motion, stillness, words, action, the evil and the good, prosperity and shame, gain and loss, right and wrong, into one single koan."

... and there's a Jane's Addiction song that goes,

"When was the last time you did anything / Not for me, or anyone else / Just because?"

But today I said,

"I'm going to start making decisions for myself."

And he did.