"Could I be read if I was see-through, or would you just see my spine?"

With each day that passes it becomes even more painfully obvious to me that I see the world around me very differently than almost everyone else I know. I’m practically in a different dimension. I like to think this is a good thing, but more and more it becomes my burden to deal with— and I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody else.

My world deals almost solely in feelings. Emotion. Sentiments and sensation. The universe is only existent to the extent that people perceive it, so our world is dependent on human beings. Humans are only existent to the extent of our own perception as well. If I ask you how you’re doing, you’ll respond with how you perceive yourself at that moment. Good, bad. Logic helps us out, but the only way we know anything about ourselves is through the feelings that make us who we are.

So the Earth is full of people, but more than that it’s full of emotions—the emotions of the people living here. How can anything be more important than how people feel? If the Earth is comprised of a bunch of people bouncing off of each other acting on their thoughts and feelings, then why aren’t people doing everything in their power to make themselves and everyone around them as happy as possible? Everyone is more responsible for their own happiness than anyone else’s, but if you had the power to make someone else’s life just a little bit happier, wouldn’t you?

In the world I see, strangers that you might never think twice about have entire intricate lives, and the second I see the suffering of innocent people, I emote heavily and empathize with extreme intensity. In most cases these episodes of intense empathy are for people I don’t know and never will know, but the existence of their suffering hangs heavy on my soul, like thick sheets of ice in an early autumn ice storm. Sometimes the brittle branches of my psyche can barely take it.

The only cardinal sin in my world is hurting someone, causing them to feel bad mentally or physically. This sounds just fine, but eventually you run into problems when people have overlapping feelings and it’s literally impossible for the two to be happy at the same time. But these things happen, it’s downright idiotic to think it’s possible for anyone to never have to feel pain in their life. These circumstances are unfortunate but sometimes unavoidable.

However the truly catastrophic times to me are when people hurt others intentionally. I am literally unable to comprehend the kind of personality that must hurt other people to be happy, but I see it almost every day… and it scares the shit out of me. How am I supposed to live, how am I supposed to compete in this world where you can plausibly get ahead by backstabbing other people? I have no intentions of ever hurting anyone I meet… and the irony here (there’ve been a lot of ironies lately) is that I’ll likely end up hurting myself in the process.

So the next time you see me doubled over in pain, look around me. I’m probably not reacting to something that happened to me, but rather I probably overheard some stranger on their phone just learn that they’ve lost a loved one, their parents will divorce, or their boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t love them anymore. Go attend to them instead. I’m in the process of learning where these feelings come from, and why I was wired this way. All I ask is that you be patient with me, I’m carrying a little extra here. I know I can’t be the only one who’s like this (though I typically try to hide these feelings from the world—I can’t believe I’m coming clean right now), if you know anyone else who seems to be carrying a little extra load with them I implore you: give them a hug, a hand shake, a kind word. Chances are they really need it right now.