"It's easy to be, easy and free, when it doesn't mean anything..."

So last weekend I was hired by the Travel Channel to work as a production assistant on a taping of the TV show Taste of America at the Lenexa Spinach Festival. I may not be a big fan of television, but considering this was a well-paying PA role (rather than the unpaid positions I've taken on the last two feature films I worked), there was no way I was going to turn this opportunity down.

The crew were a delight to work with, and since they all had to be fairly young they were all willing to impart some advice for a young film student looking to start a real career in film/video production (not to mention some very fascinating advice on the subject of "cougar hunting" from Ben, and the current state of the German film industry from Tonja).

Everyone at the festival knew that "the Travel Channel" was coming to cover the gala, and therefore we were treated like celebrities. Everyone wanted us to eat their food, so on top of my wage I got delicious free food all day. We shot the various booths serving up their own recipes, Popeye and Olive Oil serving the World's Largest Spinach Salad, and even the judging of the Spinach recipe contest.

At one point Kacie and I even got some time on camera, seeing as how our age group didn't seem to have a very good representation at the festival. I basically eat a plate full of different spinach recipes and talk about the flavors-- hopefully I don't end up completely on the cutting room floor.

All in all it was a fantastic time and a great new addition to my resume of film experience. I can't wait for the next one to come along. Considering the great time I had, I don't know why everyone doesn't pursue a job in the film industry. :)

Life is truly beautiful.

"nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart"

The only patterns that exist out there in the chaos are the ones our human brains look for and assign arbitrary meanings to… but maybe that’s enough.
Maybe something is more beautiful on the authority that we want it to be beautiful; that we need it to be. If we perceive beauty, then it really is—the only thing I can trust is my own perception anyway (if even that).

We westerners look at the historical Christ to solidify our Christian faith, yet in Eastern traditions, they could care less about the historical Gautama Buddha. It doesn’t matter if he was truly all they say of him, the message in his sutras is the same regardless.

Would “love your neighbor as yourself,” mean anything different if Christ wasn’t actually the son of God?

Life is way too beautiful to ignore—which is exactly what we are doing when we sweat the small stuff, like “intended meaning.” There is no intended meaning behind the leaves outside my window, and that makes them no less important in my book. Perception is meaning.
The substance of style.
One thing after the other.
Beauty and darkness in the eye of the beholder; our post-modern world.
It can be so beautiful.

It is what it is, now get over it.
(And I used to love the movie Signs…)

"Here i am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded"

There are two men.

Man #1 does fine in school, goes to college and makes connections with people in the marketing school and ends up with a fairly high powered position in a big business. He partied pretty hard in college, never really made any extraordinary connection with anybody when he didn't think it would get him ahead in any way. Man #1 enjoys the way his job allows him to live: he has a nice home and a highly respectable home theater system. He eventually marries a girl he's been seeing; the sex is really good and they get along well enough (though he doesn't realize that she compromises 90% of the time so as not to make waves). They live a perfectly normal life with 3 children.

Man #2 does equally well in school, but goes to college to find it's hard to be motivated by money alone, and that he desires to live his life pursuing a dream job regardless of what it pays him, or how long it takes him to find it. He also realizes how important the people in his life are, so he spends more time working at his relationships than he does at his schoolwork, and therefore gets, maybe Cs and Bs. He above all understands the ultimate value of love and beauty. I won't tell you whether or not he succeeds in his career, but I will say he's very passionate about it, and he at least makes enough of a living to provide a comfortable life for his 2 children and his wife. His wife also works, but the two of them find time to make passionate love more often than any of their friends because they are more in love today than they ever have been in their lives. Man #2 also loves his children very much.

Which of these people is the "successful" man?

---

---

This one hurts a lot worse than the last one.

"One thing I can tell you is you got to be free."

Well, I finally did something with the footage I shot at the 10,000 Lakes Festival. Nothing fancy by any means, but a good flavor of what the festival was like.
I had a fantastic night tonight, and what better way to remind myself of how beautiful life is than by reflecting on tonight's festivities and posting a video I shot when I was the happiest I can remember since... well, since before the summer.

Goodnight moon. Life is beautiful.

What did we know about ourselves before we had the internet to tell us...?

"Though your motives arise from genuine compassion, some people might think of you as "a little too good to be true." They could suspect that your kindness is something you use to ingratiate yourself with others or to get them to like you. Others may suspect that your altruism is a mask for your own problems; you take care of others but never let others get to know you well enough to offer you their care. Some of this suspicion may be genuine; they just can't believe you're this kind. But it may also be triggered by envy; people see in you a tenderheartedness they don't find in themselves, and it makes them uncomfortable so they take it out on you with their suspicions.

Another critical response others may have may be something you want to take a serious look at. If you spend your time taking care of others, you may not have enough left to take very good care of yourself. If you're always asking, "What can I do for you?", you may not focus enough on your own needs. You're so busy taking care of others that you neglect yourself and empty your reserves of energy and good health. Like we said, give it consideration and if it doesn't fit move on."

"People... People who need people..."

Listen to me while you listen :)

Whenever it all seems insane, I turn back to Thich Nhat Hanh.

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong.
Why not try and see positive things,
to just touch those things and make them bloom?

Buddhism for me is all about realization. I tend to agree with the Zen Buddhists who say that enlightenment comes in a sudden flash when you're not even concentrating on it. You'll be sweeping the leaves on the front walk and all of a sudden it all makes sense.
The trick isn't achieving enlightenment, the trick is surviving until you can have that sudden realization... and not getting too wrapped up in your own bullshit in the meantime.

We humans are funny little creatures. Everyone in the world needs someone (especially the people who act like they don't need anyone), but the real challenge is finding an equilibrium with someone you need who also needs you-- you have a perfect balance of give and take, or at least you can eventually keep that balance before one of you falls off of the relationship.

Please keep Crystal in your thoughts. It's never easy to lose a loved one, especially so suddenly.

I miss Carl Sagan.

Also, check it out: Lindsey and I play Beatles music (again).

"Say the word and you'll be free, Say the word and be like me."

I love my job. For those of you who don't know it, I work for KU Media Productions-- a little production company based in the Union that does commercials for the University as well as free lance video production for any paying customers. Basically that means on any given day I could be shooting/editing/etc. literally anything you could think of.

So today I went back into work for the first time in a few days. I was kinda scared my boss Mark would be mad that I hadn't been free to work for a while, but he was just genuinely happy to see me again and chatted me up about my first week of school and his new house his family just moved into. Mark is just a great boss (and a good friend).

But the interview was the real reason for this entry: we spoke to Professor Mohammad El-Hodiri, economist, mathematician, and poet extraordinaire. He was born and educated in Cairo, studied for several years in Russia, and has generally been a globetrotter most of his life. He now resides in Lawrence and teaches with such enthusiasm for academia at KU (enough so to be recognized enough that we were asked to film this piece on him ;) ). He really expanded my mind when he spoke. I love fascinating people.

In the meantime, it was actually a very long and hard day for me, so I really just want to coast through the rest of this week, listen to some great music (I've been super hooked on Rubber Soul lately), and really hit the semester hard starting next week. So I suckle the last sweet drops from freedom's teet before putting in an effort I can be proud of my senior year.

"You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind"

Listen to me while you read :)

I guess you could say I had a bit of an accident. I was in the back of a pile up on 19th street. Could have happened to anybody. I suppose I wanted to start off the semester with a bang...

So I think back to my Buddhism.

Why do I feel the way I do right now?
--Because I probably need a new car.
Oh, so you lost your car? Why were you clinging to an inanimate object anyway?
--Yeah, it's just a thing, but it certainly made getting around easier.
Didn't you just get that cool new bike? It's not like Lawrence is that big.
--That's true, I just get tired of showing up places all sweaty.
Sounds to me like you're still clinging. You and I both know that's source of duhka.
--Wanting things to go the way I want them to is clinging?
Absolutely! Clinging to the way you think things should be? Why do you think you know how the universe should conduct it's business?
--I don't claim to know, I just want a break, that's all.
So give yourself a break. Use meditation, stop ruminating, be mindful of every beautiful moment. Only you can bring yourself joy, nobody's going to come and offer you your happiness for free.
--Sometimes I wish they would.
I know man, me too. What music are you listening to right now?
--A song called "Drive" by Blind Melon.
"Drive?" Are you kidding me? Cut it out, I'm serious. What would make you happy right now?
--[whisper whisper whisper]
...You need to get yourself a puppy or something. What else can you think of?
--...Let's see. I love doing things for other people. Does that count?
Hmm, I'm a little skeptical. Will it really make you happy to bring someone else joy, or are you trying to sound more noble than you actually are?
--I really want to do this. It will bring a smile to my face.
Well then go in peace. And one more thing...
--Yeah?
Just chill out man. I'm serious.
--....thanks.


Well, that was an interesting stream of consciousness experiment.

PS I had a dream last night where I told someone I was a Buddhist Catholic Nihilist. I'm starting to wish any one of those was actually true.

"And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking."

Listen to me while you read.

In thoughtful attempts to help me keep my sanity lately, everyone has been telling me not to worry about the questions I have been asking (the standard "big questions" about why we're here and the nature of our existence)... but complacency has been on my mind a lot lately since meditating at the Zen Center recently. Then two days ago Lindsey told me to check out a post on the Buddha Diaries about taking action and why the kids these days just aren't getting out there and showing how disgusted we are with the current administration and it's endless war.

Well, I'm a veteran of 4 or 5 war protests, I've been out at the peace demonstrations in downtown Kansas City, I'm not complacent am I?...am I? The answer is a very resounding "maybe." Yeah I've done enough, I've questioned enough, but I can do more. I shouldn't let my friends talk me into ignoring the problems that have plagued humanity since the dawn of time just because they don't think I'll come up with an answer... because at least I will have tried.

When the hell else can I simultaneously reject permanence and impermanence, muse about going off to Tibet to "find myself," or even accuse the very universe of not existing? My questions may be stupid, but at least they're universal, and by virtue of that I have every right to ask them-- even if it brings me distress. If Jesus, Allah, or Buddha is up there watching me I don't think they'll care that much if I put myself headlong into something that isn't technically "correct." I'd rather be foolhardy than complacent.

This is my senior year of college. I've got two relatively light semesters ahead of me, so I think I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't get out there and support the causes I agree with, question the consumerist principals this country was founded on, and make a life for myself. I can see one of two outcomes from this decision: a) I could make some hilarious stories about my misguided adventures to tell 10 or 15 years down the line, or 2) I could really succeed and touch some people's lives or find some answers to the questions I've been asking.

My advice to the world is step 1: turn off the television, it's the only way to keep yourself out from under the spell of cathode ray mind control. :) There's really nothing good on anyway... unless you're tired from being active all day and you need some time to turn your brain off, I do that too.

Anyway, I thought the light at the end of my tunnel was acceptance, but for the time being I can't accept acceptance as the answer for anything. I'll have time for acceptance when I'm in the rest home (...at the age of 45 apparently...).

Ah, the balance of life. I don't know if some omnipotent being is keeping it in check or not, but life certainly has a way of keeping itself in balance.

Restitution

This is an open apology to the student of the University of Kansas for calling you all "mouth breathers" today in the union. I was feeling a little enochlophobic amid the lines for the bookstore and I let that get the better of me.
I aknowledge the buddha-nature/christ-nature/allah-nature/whatever-nature you all have within you and that's a beautiful thing. So, sorry for calling you mouth breathers. :)

"Life ain't so shitty"

Be sure to watch the whole thing, it gets pretty far out by the end.
I'm pretty sure I'm in love with this girl.

"And tell me no lies, make me a happy man"

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
--The Buddha

This weekend my cousin came back from his year of teaching English in Japan. It was a blast getting to catch up with him. I had a weekend of family, friends, and lots of fun.






Then why am I so lost?

"Come on along, or go alone, he's here to take his children home."

I've gotta learn to respect my perception. I've always grappled with the idea that something holds more weight if you can share it with someone else or make someone else see what you're seeing-- but to think that something I perceive is any less beautiful just because no one else saw it is simply ridiculous. Perhaps in some cases that makes it even more beautiful. This is a very important concept for me right now.

To that girl that kissed me on the cheek at tonight at the Jazz House: that may not have meant much to you, but it was quite lovely from my point of view... and that's perfectly okay. My perception is just as important as anyone else's.

---

Henry David Thoreau said, "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." My eyes are opening wider every day. But then again, Thoreau's counterpart in transcendentalism Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "People only see what they are prepared to see." Maybe I'm just now becoming ready to see everything that I am. My only fear is that the world is far too beautiful for me to take.

side note

Cheers to that drunk girl at the bar tonight who thought who thought I was her boyfriend for a second, then realized her mistake and promptly informed me that I had better hair than her actual boyfriend.

I could've sworn I needed a haircut. :)

"Kill me again with love, It's gonna be a glorious day."

Yesterday morning I came really close to walking out of the house completely naked. I had a serious compulsion to go out for a stroll naked as a jay bird. Not an exhibitionism thing, I just thought it would be so natural to go for a brief constitutional in the warm morning air without the hindrance of clothing.
I guess I'm trading Buddhism for nudism.

So follow up to the previous post: the answer is so much simpler than I was making it out to be. Vanilla Sky says the answer to 9 out of 10 questions is "money" (and in my opinion the answer to the 10th question was "sex")... but my spin on this idea is that the answer to 9 out of 10 questions about life is "moderation."

Moderation. That little word that keeps popping up in my mind; it was Ben Franklin's favorite concept for a damn good reason. In reference to my previous entry, of course I should help others. I wouldn't be me if I didn't practice compassion and empathy, they're two traits i see in myself that I'm most proud of. But if I'm not moderate in putting others before myself, I will never get around to taking care of myself at all.

Life is a balancing act. As you progress you have to lean from side to side and back again to maintain a steady balance. If you lean to heavily in any one direction you're just going to come tumbling down. Sometimes you may have to lean in one direction as a necessity to maintain balance. I made reference to a Shantideva quote two entries ago "All happiness comes from the desire for others to be happy. All misery comes from the desire for oneself to be happy." Was Shantideva wrong? Should Shantideva have been practicing moderation?

Well, not exactly. Now that I'm looking at that quote again, he's only talking about desire here. Perhaps some discrepancy in practice from desire is a good thing. Desire happiness for others but practice compassion for myself. I guess that Shantideva really knew what he was talking about, maybe I should pick up his Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way Of Life again.

I'm trying here. How does the old axiom go? Some people are born great, some people have greatness thrust upon them. If I could figure out half of the shit floating through my brain I would be truly great, but only out of necessity.
I didn't ask these questions... they were asked of me. I'm just trying to find the answers

Tired of This Dance

You do a consistently good job for as long as you can remember, and all that happens is once you let up for a moment everyone asks you, “Jeez, what happened? What’s up with you?”

If I was doing such a good job before now, why didn’t you take a minute to let me know? Positive reinforcement is much more powerful than negative reinforcement.

Tuesday was my 21st birthday and I had a great time out at the bars. Everyone was buying me drinks; even a few attractive young ladies that I had never met bought me drinks. It was a fantastic time (thank you all for coming out—every last one of you, I appreciated it so much).

But I’m an introvert. I need to follow up a night of intense socialization with a day of quiet and solitude. How come whenever I want peace and quiet someone comes knocking on my door and when I want a friend to talk to everyone’s mysteriously absent?

Bad timing on my part. I ought to work on that.

The only person you can ever truly please is yourself. I used to think that if everyone just helped his or her neighbor out, everyone would be happy… but maybe it’s that if we all look out for ourselves we’ll truly be happy. Only when you’re stupid enough to go around looking for fulfillment should you help your neighbor.

And the Buddha? What would he say? He’d tell me I’m wrong. What he doesn’t know is if I kill myself over trying to make other people happy, I won’t be around anymore to attain enlightenment. You just can’t teach a Buddha anything.

I can’t tell if this is a forever chance in my attitude or just one of those short-term things. Whichever it is, it’s leaving my brow furrowed in the mean time. I’m just tired of learning the answers to questions I never asked.
I don’t actually want anybody to think I’m Superman or anything. I just want other people to see me with the same respect I have for myself. I’m pretty damn great… but maybe I don’t let anybody close enough to figure that out.

I'm going to regret posting this in an hour or so when I remember exactly how painfully beautiful, perfectly pulchritudinous this world really is.

"Did I make me up? Or make the face 'till it stuck? I do the best immitation of myself."

Take a vacation from myself? That's ridiculous! Nigh impossible! ...just crazy enough to work!

Bob McClane: What is it that is exactly the same about every single vacation you have ever taken?
Douglas Quaid: I give up.
Bob McClane: You! You're the same. No matter where you go, there you are. It's always the same old you. Let me suggest that you take a vacation from yourself. I-I know it sounds wild.

I'm heading out for the 10,000 Lakes Music and Camping Festival this week (at the Detroit Lakes in Minnesota to see Bob Weir and Ratdog, Zappa Plays Zappa, Unphrey's McGee, String Cheese Incident, moe., Galactic, and many others including perhaps most the important for me: the beautiful talented Kaki King.

But this trip will be as much about the music and camping (at beautiful Lake Sallie) as it will be decompression time for me. No, it has not been an arduous summer-- hard maybe, but not arduous. But I need some time to think about everything: that's what the first half of the week is for. Then the second half of the week, I will forget about everything and just have fun. I've always taken serious consideration into a Shantideva quote I once read, "All happiness comes from the desire for others to be happy. All misery comes from the desire for oneself to be happy." Well if that's true then maybe this week I could use a little misery. A little vacation from my usual standards of making other people happy.

Atisha said, "The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go." This week my mind will let go, and camping out in nature, hopefully I will bring out my inner Buddha-nature. I want to meditate on the cliffs above Lake Sallie, I want to become one with the trees around our camp ground, I want to let my mind off of it's leash and see where it goes when it's completely free.

I want to renew a love affair with an old friend. My life.

BAARRFF!

I quit. :)

"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow, let it be."

Nothing like an impromptu barefoot bike ride at 11pm to really clear your head. I just want to say, I might be wrong about a lot of stuff-- I know I'm wrong about a lot of stuff, but I just can't see how that could matter.

I'm nowhere near as great as I want people to think I am... but I'm still pretty fucking awesome.

The Buddha once said:

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful."

I'm thankful.
_____For everything.
__________Even the shit that hurts.
_______________Especially the shit that hurts.

I am alive, and I have a greater capacity for love than anyone else I know.

We humans have an incredible knack for trapping ourselves in little mazes without even realizing it. We curse the person who created these traps for us, but lack the foresight to realize we've put ourselves in them.

Whenever I start questioning myself I just think of something the Dalai Lama said,
"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive."
I'm just trying to do my part.


I dance with the star shine. Do you know anyone else who dances with the star shine?
.I miss you.

"There's something in the air tonight that feels right."

Sorry I haven't written in a while. It's been busy and hey, the Buddha said, "Do not speak unless it improves upon silence."

Well tonight, "Things are not what they appear to be; nor are they otherwise." (Surangama Sutra)... okay okay, I'll stop hiding behind obtuse quotes. I find myself in the exact same position tonight that I found myself last night: it's midnight and I am not ready to turn in my paper that is due in the morning.

How did I let myself get here once again? Well, I had a beautiful shoot outdoors this afternoon for work (the weather was simply gorgeous), I spent time on 'pause' with Lindsey after that and drank tea and had delicious strawberries and kick-ass vegan pizza, then I got home and was unable to turn down a few games of bowling with the roommates (plus a few other people). Rather than freak out over the paper I wasn't finishing I gave myself fully to the game of bowling; I inexplicably named myself "the Killer Bee," I paid the jukebox to play "Shine on You Crazy Diamond," and commenced with the merriment. I broke 100 in both games (which id totally decent for me) and had a wonderful time.

I also had a chat with my friend Paul, for whom I am assuming the role of best man at his upcoming wedding, and decided that since I hadn't even seen him in person since he asked me to be his best man, we needed to get together this weekend... and have beers. That will have been long overdue.

After wrapping up some other loose ends as well, I find myself here with an amazing day under my belt and a broad smile on my face. I accept that I have put myself into this position with my paper: I'll have to stay up later tonight to get it finished, but sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do for these unforgettable summer days.

The 14th Dalai Lama said, "Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." Tonight, writing my paper earlier would have contradicted experience. I had a positively wonderful day, and there's nothing in the world I'm left wanting.
...except maybe one thing.