"the farther one travels / the less one really knows"

This started off as snowflakes. Oops.

(I practically insist you click to enlarge.)

Merry Christmas everybody.

"It's so fine, it's sunshine..."

I was just bitten by the traveling bug, or premature spring fever, or senioritis-- I don't know what to call it but all of a sudden I want to hit the road. I don't need preparations or accommodations, finding your way is half the fun.

Maybe I should start planning Spring Break? Or maybe I should just hit the road now and see what happens. I'll probably wait for the snow to melt a little...

:)

Julia's Cartoon thought about you.

It's real good. :)

"You'll make it through / with another point of view again"

My application to JET will be completed today.
Then, it's out of my hands.
That'll be a relief.

Nothing is ever just as it seems. The more I try to look at the world from new perspectives, the more the chaos seems to make sense... in whatever way chaos can make sense that is.


But on a better note, Julia showed me the first minute of her animation final project last night, and it's spectacular! If she posts it on her blog I'll be sure to link to it. :)

"Down is the new up"

There's nothing like looking at yourself on paper to realize that you're not all that impressive on paper. My JET application is due on Dec. 4th, so I'm getting it all ready this week to ship off to D.C. Wish me luck everybody.

I still don't have my computer, but I'm hoping to get it back soon. I guess I'm going to be at the library doing research for my oral report from actual books(!) tonight. I was about to say that I'm enjoying not having a computer for the time being, but the irony of using this forum to do is just staggering.

I think I'm going to try and make time to watch the Abbey Road documentary again this week, though. Seems like that would be a fun thing to do.

"Forget about your house of cards..."

My embrace of Dadaism

This is not a pipe.

Some of you may know this, but it's been an odd half year for me. I have undergone what I can only call an existential journey that has very powerfully effected my day-to-day life in both positive and negative ways. At times it has been enjoyable, but other times it has been terrifying; descending into the depths of relativism ("everything = everything else" WTF?!) and trying to smash my brain around the dualistic nature of the universe got so tiring that I had all but accepted nihilism, not out of agreement with the movement, but out of surrender.

But today I awoke with a strange new perception on my bedroom, my duplex, my street, and the rest of the world around me. It is absurd. Why do bad things happen to good people? There is no 'why,' it's just absurd. And since no matter what I do there's nothing I can do to stop that fact, I may as well just accept the world for what it is and enjoy the consumate beauty that exists within it.

That's right: Dadaism is, at very least, the point my existential crisis has taken me to for the time being. For those unfamiliar with Dadaism, Wikipedia tells us, "Many Dadaists believed that the 'reason' and 'logic' of bourgeois society had led people into the horrors of war. They expressed their rejection of that ideology in artistic expression that appeared to reject logic and embrace chaos and irrationality. For example, George Grosz later recalled that his Dadaist art was intended as a protest 'against this world of mutual destruction'."

So from this movement we start to see art that represents that idea of enjoying the world as it is, despite it's obvious foibles. A great example of this is René Clair's short film Paris Qui Dort, "Paris is Asleep" where several young people awake to find that everyone and everything other than themselves in the world has frozen in time, so they go out and do all the things they couldn't do before, such as having a picnic lunch on the Eiffel Tower and much other silliness. (It's a 30 minute silent film in case any of you brave souls want to watch it)

Silliness. That's what I want. I've never had any problem being serious when I knew the time was right, I usually push people to talk about their problems more than they probably want me to, so without letting go of my understanding that there will always be pain in the world I embrace the silliness that goes right along with it. I embrace Dadaism.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go have lunch on the Effel Tower.

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(Since I don't expect anyone to make it all the way through "Paris is Asleep," here's a shorter Dadaist film by Hans Richter called "Ghosts Before Breakfast." I highly reccomend watching some of it at least.)
The flying hats are priceless :) though message may be a little lost today.

"You do it to yourself, and that's what really hurts"

When I was a young kid (age 6 or so) I loved summer. The hotter the better. My friends and I would go swimming, climb trees, ride bikes, and occasionally stay out late enough to howl at the moon-- just to tell the neighborhood that we were alive. Summer was where it was at.
Later in life, (circa age 14) I loved winter. Hot chocolate, the Christmas season, the ever alluring possibility of a snow day... I loved bundling and going outside. Winter was pretty awesome.

Nowadays my favorite season is autumn. It was never glamorous to me as a kid; it's not as hot as the summer, it's not as cold as the winter, I stopped trick-or-treating before high school. But now the consistency and quietness of this time of year serves as a much needed repose from summer, and a welcome breather before the hectic holidays.
Perhaps as I'm getting older I'm coming to appreciate the understated beauty of moderate weather and the gentle slow changing colors of the leaves. It can't all be 90-degree days and snow storms. And hell, the view outside my window as I write this is far more beautiful than any indian summer I've ever seen. The grounding concept of moderation consistently permeates my life.

"For a minute there, I lost myself"

At the Union we have a hand-punch system to clock in and out of work for the day, so when you place your hand on the scanner it verifies that it is indeed you clocking in. When you do this, it gives you a "score" which gauges the margin of error that it's actually you placing your hand on the machine-- anything lower than 50% and they trust that it's really you.

Last Friday I clocked in for the day to get some work on a few DVD menus Mark asked me to design, and when I placed my palm on the hand-punch machine I got the highest margin of error I've ever seen on there; it was 49% likely that I was actually myself on Friday.

Stupid machines. What do they know anyway?

"spitting feathers, splitting hairs"

I sat in meditation for about an hour this evening. Lately I've been really into meditating, doing all the little techniques I've learned over the past years, doing it the way I'm "supposed to," ambulation, transfer of merits, etc... but tonight I didn't light any incense, I didn't listen to Ravi Shankar, I just sat down and started erasing all the extraneous bullshit from my brain.

It was fantastic.
To let go.
"To let that which does not matter truly slide."

Leave it to me to start trying too hard at meditation of all things. But hey, the important thing is that I noticed it, and gently reminded myself that nobody knows my mind better than myself. I am the master of my own destiny-- it's time to start acting like it again.

Though it's great to take advice along the way, for instance Hakuin Ekaku said,

"What is this true meditation? It is to make everything: coughing, swallowing, waving the arms, motion, stillness, words, action, the evil and the good, prosperity and shame, gain and loss, right and wrong, into one single koan."

... and there's a Jane's Addiction song that goes,

"When was the last time you did anything / Not for me, or anyone else / Just because?"

But today I said,

"I'm going to start making decisions for myself."

And he did.

"Pleased to meet you take my hand, there's no way back from here."

Morning sunlight penetrated the room between the slats in the blinds, forming a ladder of light beams starting on the floor climbing partway up the wall. The Heart had been awake for a while, at least an hour he estimated by the distance the light had shifted across the room since first creeping in at dawn. “Two, three, four rungs on the light ladder.” He stayed very still and quiet, waiting for nothing in particular.

The Heart was nearly certain he was actually awake. He considered getting out of bed to see if anybody else was up, to see if anybody else wanted to get some breakfast or maybe just a strong cup of coffee down the street. “Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen rungs…” The rest were probably hung over from the revelries of the night before.

“Twenty-eight, twenty-nine.” It had gotten too warm to have the blanket completely covering him, but it was too comfortable not to. Another weekend was passing by, another chance for the Heart to sacrifice his own comforts so that others wouldn’t be hurt. “Thirty-four, thirty-five.” Another chance to accumulate stories that he couldn’t tell in their entirety to anyone.

The light ladder was crawling slowly up the wall now. “Forty-one, forty-two.” Why couldn’t he get up and take himself out for coffee, tell his stories to a medium green tea chai latte, listen to the stories the wind has to tell, laugh at the jokes life is cracking all the time?

The Heart got up out of bed and placed his hand next to the shadow ladder on the wall opposite the window. “Sixty-eight rungs total.” A ladder that went nowhere. An exercise in futility. But then the Heart turned back around to the window and said to no one in particular, “Plato was right about the cave.” He walked over to the window and pulled the blinds all the way up, revealing an entire world teeming with beauty— effectively killing the shadow ladder. He took a deep breath and drank it all in, and he hoped to God he could remember this the next time.

"It's easy to be, easy and free, when it doesn't mean anything..."

So last weekend I was hired by the Travel Channel to work as a production assistant on a taping of the TV show Taste of America at the Lenexa Spinach Festival. I may not be a big fan of television, but considering this was a well-paying PA role (rather than the unpaid positions I've taken on the last two feature films I worked), there was no way I was going to turn this opportunity down.

The crew were a delight to work with, and since they all had to be fairly young they were all willing to impart some advice for a young film student looking to start a real career in film/video production (not to mention some very fascinating advice on the subject of "cougar hunting" from Ben, and the current state of the German film industry from Tonja).

Everyone at the festival knew that "the Travel Channel" was coming to cover the gala, and therefore we were treated like celebrities. Everyone wanted us to eat their food, so on top of my wage I got delicious free food all day. We shot the various booths serving up their own recipes, Popeye and Olive Oil serving the World's Largest Spinach Salad, and even the judging of the Spinach recipe contest.

At one point Kacie and I even got some time on camera, seeing as how our age group didn't seem to have a very good representation at the festival. I basically eat a plate full of different spinach recipes and talk about the flavors-- hopefully I don't end up completely on the cutting room floor.

All in all it was a fantastic time and a great new addition to my resume of film experience. I can't wait for the next one to come along. Considering the great time I had, I don't know why everyone doesn't pursue a job in the film industry. :)

Life is truly beautiful.

"nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart"

The only patterns that exist out there in the chaos are the ones our human brains look for and assign arbitrary meanings to… but maybe that’s enough.
Maybe something is more beautiful on the authority that we want it to be beautiful; that we need it to be. If we perceive beauty, then it really is—the only thing I can trust is my own perception anyway (if even that).

We westerners look at the historical Christ to solidify our Christian faith, yet in Eastern traditions, they could care less about the historical Gautama Buddha. It doesn’t matter if he was truly all they say of him, the message in his sutras is the same regardless.

Would “love your neighbor as yourself,” mean anything different if Christ wasn’t actually the son of God?

Life is way too beautiful to ignore—which is exactly what we are doing when we sweat the small stuff, like “intended meaning.” There is no intended meaning behind the leaves outside my window, and that makes them no less important in my book. Perception is meaning.
The substance of style.
One thing after the other.
Beauty and darkness in the eye of the beholder; our post-modern world.
It can be so beautiful.

It is what it is, now get over it.
(And I used to love the movie Signs…)

"Here i am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded"

There are two men.

Man #1 does fine in school, goes to college and makes connections with people in the marketing school and ends up with a fairly high powered position in a big business. He partied pretty hard in college, never really made any extraordinary connection with anybody when he didn't think it would get him ahead in any way. Man #1 enjoys the way his job allows him to live: he has a nice home and a highly respectable home theater system. He eventually marries a girl he's been seeing; the sex is really good and they get along well enough (though he doesn't realize that she compromises 90% of the time so as not to make waves). They live a perfectly normal life with 3 children.

Man #2 does equally well in school, but goes to college to find it's hard to be motivated by money alone, and that he desires to live his life pursuing a dream job regardless of what it pays him, or how long it takes him to find it. He also realizes how important the people in his life are, so he spends more time working at his relationships than he does at his schoolwork, and therefore gets, maybe Cs and Bs. He above all understands the ultimate value of love and beauty. I won't tell you whether or not he succeeds in his career, but I will say he's very passionate about it, and he at least makes enough of a living to provide a comfortable life for his 2 children and his wife. His wife also works, but the two of them find time to make passionate love more often than any of their friends because they are more in love today than they ever have been in their lives. Man #2 also loves his children very much.

Which of these people is the "successful" man?

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This one hurts a lot worse than the last one.

"One thing I can tell you is you got to be free."

Well, I finally did something with the footage I shot at the 10,000 Lakes Festival. Nothing fancy by any means, but a good flavor of what the festival was like.
I had a fantastic night tonight, and what better way to remind myself of how beautiful life is than by reflecting on tonight's festivities and posting a video I shot when I was the happiest I can remember since... well, since before the summer.

Goodnight moon. Life is beautiful.

What did we know about ourselves before we had the internet to tell us...?

"Though your motives arise from genuine compassion, some people might think of you as "a little too good to be true." They could suspect that your kindness is something you use to ingratiate yourself with others or to get them to like you. Others may suspect that your altruism is a mask for your own problems; you take care of others but never let others get to know you well enough to offer you their care. Some of this suspicion may be genuine; they just can't believe you're this kind. But it may also be triggered by envy; people see in you a tenderheartedness they don't find in themselves, and it makes them uncomfortable so they take it out on you with their suspicions.

Another critical response others may have may be something you want to take a serious look at. If you spend your time taking care of others, you may not have enough left to take very good care of yourself. If you're always asking, "What can I do for you?", you may not focus enough on your own needs. You're so busy taking care of others that you neglect yourself and empty your reserves of energy and good health. Like we said, give it consideration and if it doesn't fit move on."

"People... People who need people..."

Listen to me while you listen :)

Whenever it all seems insane, I turn back to Thich Nhat Hanh.

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong.
Why not try and see positive things,
to just touch those things and make them bloom?

Buddhism for me is all about realization. I tend to agree with the Zen Buddhists who say that enlightenment comes in a sudden flash when you're not even concentrating on it. You'll be sweeping the leaves on the front walk and all of a sudden it all makes sense.
The trick isn't achieving enlightenment, the trick is surviving until you can have that sudden realization... and not getting too wrapped up in your own bullshit in the meantime.

We humans are funny little creatures. Everyone in the world needs someone (especially the people who act like they don't need anyone), but the real challenge is finding an equilibrium with someone you need who also needs you-- you have a perfect balance of give and take, or at least you can eventually keep that balance before one of you falls off of the relationship.

Please keep Crystal in your thoughts. It's never easy to lose a loved one, especially so suddenly.

I miss Carl Sagan.

Also, check it out: Lindsey and I play Beatles music (again).

"Say the word and you'll be free, Say the word and be like me."

I love my job. For those of you who don't know it, I work for KU Media Productions-- a little production company based in the Union that does commercials for the University as well as free lance video production for any paying customers. Basically that means on any given day I could be shooting/editing/etc. literally anything you could think of.

So today I went back into work for the first time in a few days. I was kinda scared my boss Mark would be mad that I hadn't been free to work for a while, but he was just genuinely happy to see me again and chatted me up about my first week of school and his new house his family just moved into. Mark is just a great boss (and a good friend).

But the interview was the real reason for this entry: we spoke to Professor Mohammad El-Hodiri, economist, mathematician, and poet extraordinaire. He was born and educated in Cairo, studied for several years in Russia, and has generally been a globetrotter most of his life. He now resides in Lawrence and teaches with such enthusiasm for academia at KU (enough so to be recognized enough that we were asked to film this piece on him ;) ). He really expanded my mind when he spoke. I love fascinating people.

In the meantime, it was actually a very long and hard day for me, so I really just want to coast through the rest of this week, listen to some great music (I've been super hooked on Rubber Soul lately), and really hit the semester hard starting next week. So I suckle the last sweet drops from freedom's teet before putting in an effort I can be proud of my senior year.

"You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind"

Listen to me while you read :)

I guess you could say I had a bit of an accident. I was in the back of a pile up on 19th street. Could have happened to anybody. I suppose I wanted to start off the semester with a bang...

So I think back to my Buddhism.

Why do I feel the way I do right now?
--Because I probably need a new car.
Oh, so you lost your car? Why were you clinging to an inanimate object anyway?
--Yeah, it's just a thing, but it certainly made getting around easier.
Didn't you just get that cool new bike? It's not like Lawrence is that big.
--That's true, I just get tired of showing up places all sweaty.
Sounds to me like you're still clinging. You and I both know that's source of duhka.
--Wanting things to go the way I want them to is clinging?
Absolutely! Clinging to the way you think things should be? Why do you think you know how the universe should conduct it's business?
--I don't claim to know, I just want a break, that's all.
So give yourself a break. Use meditation, stop ruminating, be mindful of every beautiful moment. Only you can bring yourself joy, nobody's going to come and offer you your happiness for free.
--Sometimes I wish they would.
I know man, me too. What music are you listening to right now?
--A song called "Drive" by Blind Melon.
"Drive?" Are you kidding me? Cut it out, I'm serious. What would make you happy right now?
--[whisper whisper whisper]
...You need to get yourself a puppy or something. What else can you think of?
--...Let's see. I love doing things for other people. Does that count?
Hmm, I'm a little skeptical. Will it really make you happy to bring someone else joy, or are you trying to sound more noble than you actually are?
--I really want to do this. It will bring a smile to my face.
Well then go in peace. And one more thing...
--Yeah?
Just chill out man. I'm serious.
--....thanks.


Well, that was an interesting stream of consciousness experiment.

PS I had a dream last night where I told someone I was a Buddhist Catholic Nihilist. I'm starting to wish any one of those was actually true.

"And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking."

Listen to me while you read.

In thoughtful attempts to help me keep my sanity lately, everyone has been telling me not to worry about the questions I have been asking (the standard "big questions" about why we're here and the nature of our existence)... but complacency has been on my mind a lot lately since meditating at the Zen Center recently. Then two days ago Lindsey told me to check out a post on the Buddha Diaries about taking action and why the kids these days just aren't getting out there and showing how disgusted we are with the current administration and it's endless war.

Well, I'm a veteran of 4 or 5 war protests, I've been out at the peace demonstrations in downtown Kansas City, I'm not complacent am I?...am I? The answer is a very resounding "maybe." Yeah I've done enough, I've questioned enough, but I can do more. I shouldn't let my friends talk me into ignoring the problems that have plagued humanity since the dawn of time just because they don't think I'll come up with an answer... because at least I will have tried.

When the hell else can I simultaneously reject permanence and impermanence, muse about going off to Tibet to "find myself," or even accuse the very universe of not existing? My questions may be stupid, but at least they're universal, and by virtue of that I have every right to ask them-- even if it brings me distress. If Jesus, Allah, or Buddha is up there watching me I don't think they'll care that much if I put myself headlong into something that isn't technically "correct." I'd rather be foolhardy than complacent.

This is my senior year of college. I've got two relatively light semesters ahead of me, so I think I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't get out there and support the causes I agree with, question the consumerist principals this country was founded on, and make a life for myself. I can see one of two outcomes from this decision: a) I could make some hilarious stories about my misguided adventures to tell 10 or 15 years down the line, or 2) I could really succeed and touch some people's lives or find some answers to the questions I've been asking.

My advice to the world is step 1: turn off the television, it's the only way to keep yourself out from under the spell of cathode ray mind control. :) There's really nothing good on anyway... unless you're tired from being active all day and you need some time to turn your brain off, I do that too.

Anyway, I thought the light at the end of my tunnel was acceptance, but for the time being I can't accept acceptance as the answer for anything. I'll have time for acceptance when I'm in the rest home (...at the age of 45 apparently...).

Ah, the balance of life. I don't know if some omnipotent being is keeping it in check or not, but life certainly has a way of keeping itself in balance.